It will all run to seed

How far down the rabbit hole or the downward spiral must you be so that someone thinks you're on drugs, even though you're not? (Except for those prescribed by the doctors.)
It has been a horrible day and the same thing will repeat next week. Except for the doctor's part...He has messed up my head again with his long speeches about cultures, geography, nationality and the fact that he thinks he knows who I am. And apparently he knows what's better for me. He thinks that me doing Masters is a waste of time, because things are not going to get any better by doing this. This sort of makes me think, because he is right about me wanting to escape from my current situation. At the end of the day this situation won't ever change if I don't face it. I really don't know what to do, I honestly don't. All I can do is look at the problem and say "Well, what about it."
It's probably useless to wait for heaven coming to earth. Nothing good with ever stay. Not voluntarily. Everything that does me good seems to go away in the end. But every little moment of happiness is so precious that I fall in love with it.
He says one day I will meet the end of all my dreams. My creativity and talent will run to seed and I won't be able to do anything about that.
Well......., so why not let me try to live right now? Right this moment.
Maybe I'm running from the truth and I am the lie that people nowadays believe. Even though I know they are wrong, I won't do anything to deny what they say, because there is no point. If they are not important parts of your life there is even less point in denying. Just let them say what they wanna. Though, I just can't lie to people that I care a lot about, that is all. But I lie to myself so much that I can't even tell anymore whether I'm me or not. I wonder whether I'll ever learn this lesson. Or is it going to be an endless trip? A brain and heart trip, which does nothing except to make me crazy.
But I will stick with escapism now. A bit of fun, a bit of romance and a bit of high speed. I just can't deal with my reflection; it falls apart every time I see it. Escape from my current situation. That's what I'll do.

Shall I kill you?

Here I am
Fighting fire with fire
Amalgamate
Becoming brothers?
Or endless destruction

Cruel as I am
Poisoning your hands
Touch
And fall back dead?
Or eliminate the enemy

Here I am
Burning your feathers
Fly
Towards the horizon?
Or fall apart

Or fall apart

The bladder is half empty

There used to be this weird girl who would sit in class with hands clasped and the eyes focused on the board. People would also make her sit next to this boy who farted a lot. Well she had to sit next to him for about three years. Even though she hated it, she knew how he felt. But there was one thing where she was good at, which was Basketball. That was where people would choose her for their teams, but other than that she would always stand outside in the corner during the breaks. People didn't even notice her anymore, as though she was a little tree that was planted there. She didn't know what isolation was, although she had become it. The reason why she was "weird" was because she shared nothing and did not speak a word to people. Also no one knew what a triumph she felt when she said "no" or "yes". Unfortunately that was not enough for people. Especially not for the teacher. During art lesson she felt like going to the loo. She took a look at her watch and noticed that the class wasn't going to end any time soon. So she walked to the teacher and stood there. "Hello darling. What's the matter?" She didn't say anything and went back to her seat. Her bladder was filling up and she went to her teacher again ten minutes later. This time the teacher didn't say anything but just smiled shortly. Again, the girl went back to her seat. She was already feeling pain in her bladder, but didn't know what to do. Should she just walk out? No, the teacher would call after her. Finally she searched for some tissues in her bag and made sure no one was watching her and then put the tissues in her pants. She peed a little bit and then took the tissues out and threw them away. She was doing the same thing twice and suddenly someone was shouting "Miss Jarvis, Serena is doing something dirty!"

Skeletons

I had a nightmare last night. I never had a dream before where the entire surrounding was so dark. All I could see where skeletal demons flying around, flying towards me. One good thing was that I had friends around me. Friends who were strong and protective. I was shaking like an aspen leaf. The moment I woke up, I was still shaking. Not because it was cold, but because I was so fucking terrified. But something makes me want to go back to that black hole. Those flying creatures wanted to tell me something, but I refused to listen. There was another demon which was looking for me in the water. It was my ex. But I had friends around me who hid me behind their backs. And he carried on swimming without noticing me. I felt relieved.
I cannot explain these dreams right now, I'm feeling way too neurotic for that. Too tired and emotionally exhausted. I don't have a reason for anything I do at the moment. I'm trying to think, but each thought just explodes without a specific purpose. I'm unable to listen to you, as if I have locked myself up from the outside. Now where are the damn fucking keys! I've lost them.

When the world comes down

I smoke. Secretly. And I'm getting annoyed with the fact that I still encounter people who see me smoke and then say "Smoking is harmful." Instead of telling this to an ordinary smoker, they tell it me of all people. How many things do I have to do secretly? How long will I have to hide the real me from people? Maybe I'm everybody's clown. No, a pantomime from the circus. They laugh at what I am pretending to do. Now it makes more sense, doesn't it? My driving instructor says that I need to come out of myself and show the real me. But what if I don't believe in the real me? Since the moment I'm back in Germany I've started hiding myself from people. I get scared meeting new people, especially when I don't know what they actually want from me. I'm looking for a drastic change; a change that I myself can "notice". The fact that I smoke and have smoked dope is not a sign of change. I'm looking for an inner and outer change. I'm looking to burn pictures from the past, chase the waves on the beach and dance on the dance floor whilst someone special is watching. These are the only ways to satisfy my inner scream.
I've got this feeling that I will keep letting people play with me, not just for the hell of it, but for the bit of fun in between. For this little moment of comfort and warmth. Maybe I really need help. But not if I can do the same to people. I've never done anyone harm and I wonder what it's like. I want to be put on the middle of a roundabout and choose a direction myself. One problem that I would encounter is the indecisiveness, but that's the adventurous part of it all. And I can do with some adventure. Funny is when I imagine my life like Mr Ellis'. Up to the point of being a bad parent. A life filled with drugs, lies and regrets. I admit it's pure curiosity and that if given the chance, I will enter this path (apart from the 'bad parent' part). You don't get paid for being good or bad, so why does it matter. It has taken me long to realise. Lessons are hard to learn when you feel adventurous and empty. Everything's more difficult when you're in the midst of your life. Your ability to learn will decrease and you get more cautious than you ever was. You have probably experienced way too many things, but this feeling for adventure and excitement will always be evident. I'd do anything to fill this emptiness. Even if it's just for a single minute.