Choleric or phlegmatic? Or both?

I have a big head, a blocked nose, sore eyes and dry lips. The typical symptoms of a bad day like everyone would say. Nothing new that I am not stress-resistant. I hate dealing with customers, but I don't think there is a job where you are free from people. If it was at least a small group of people. I nearly lost my temper at the tills today. I don't take complaints well, especially if it's not my fault. The fact is I don't say sorry. It was hell in England when I had to say sorry constantly. But I'm not sorry at all. I hardly ever am. I'm never sorry for what I do. (Except for treating my mum like shit.)

Now I'm here hiding from my mum, because I was close to yelling at her again. The bonsai plant I bought her and dad for their 25th anniversary seems to be dying. The leaves are dry and are about to fall off. Probably a sign that this is not a happy house or bad care. We don't know how to treat plants, except water it every now and then. I mean what is fertiliser? How do you use it? I have no idea...but I bought it for them nonetheless. And now the plant is fucking dying. Makes me feel shit somehow. I wasn't made to look after anything or anyone.

God, what an awful day...

You know where I want to be right now? I had a dream the other week.

I dreamt of someone special. I wonder what his name is and I wonder where he is from. I laid my head on his chest whilst he was holding me. I hadn't felt that wanted in a long long time. But I have changed my mind, I won't be looking for him. I'll let him find me. As I have decided never to look for anyone again. Then again I should not say "never", when I might. Is he the one I've always been in love with? Or is he just the perfect match that I created in my own head? Well it does me no good racking my brains over it, right? It was simply a dream.

That's where I want to be...in his arms.

I'm not exactly sure what makes me so tired lately. The last time I felt like that was when I was still on the tablets. However, I don't want to say I need them, even though I know I do. There's a lump in my throat, it's hurting like hell. My nose still blocked and my eyes are sore. It's pretty obvious what comes next. But it's not gonna come. You wanna bet? Sure you do. Looking down at me with your bottle of beer.

It's not gonna come. It's not.

Dear me

Dear Paula,

how is it going with you? Have all your plans succeeded? Is everything alright? Sorry, way too many questions at once. I guess I am ok, many ups and downs as usual. Right, so I take that your love life is a total bummer then. You don't seem to be that lucky when it comes to love, eh? Do you still blame the mirror that you broke years ago? Or the chain letter that you didn't forward? You really shouldn't believe in shit like that, seriously. But it does make me sad seeing you like this. I do feel sorry for women who have never received flowers from a guy. Well this just means that you haven't met the right one yet. Really, it's not a big deal. You need someone who is dedicated to you and thinks of you; someone who is genuine and truthful. I know, this is easily said. But if I were you, I would stop looking as well, maybe you will be found someday, you'll never know.
I see on last.fm that you keep listening to the song "Hurt" on repeat...what's that all about? And the day after you would be listening to The Killers! Are you bipolar or something? You really get me worried, you weirdo. Sometimes I really can't figure out what's on your mind or what bothers you, because you keep quiet most of the time.
So people don't know how angry you can get then? Well, they just don't know you. They've never seen you like that, except I and your family. Come on, you're a Cancerian, they have the tendency to express their emotions all the time. You shouldn't keep it to yourself. I wonder why you don't tell people what you really think and feel. You always expect them to know it or to sense it, but that's not going to work. If you don't talk to them, you will never know and THEY will never know. Though, I guess that's the way you are, but mystery doesn't always attract people, it can make people lose interest. Just in case you think you are special. Sorry to put it this way. What I mean is when you keep everything to yourself, you will never be able to get out of yourself. And that's your problem isn't it? You care too much about what other people think and you don't trust yourself enough to fight against it. That needs to change, seriously. Otherwise people will constantly take advantage of you. Sometimes you notice that and you let them do it anyway, because you think that you can reap advantage as well. But it's not a positive thing. I mean you can see it, you constantly get hurt, so there must be something wrong. Open your eyes, think before you do something and don't let the heart interact with your head. I think that's the best advice I can give.
Also don't worry about your age. You always seem to be in such a hurry, as if you are about to die any minute. Take your time and enjoy what you do and look foward to what you are about to do. I know time goes quicker once you're past twenty, because you are more conscious about what goes on around you. I think that's what growing old is all about. It makes you appreciate life more than before. Weird isn't it?
I'm going to hit the sack now. Just think about what I wrote, even though it's hard, but you just live once and it doesn't matter if you lose one or two friends. You have your own goals to achieve. Everyone needs to accomplish something in life. And you know what your job is.
Good luck.

Love, P

Flying o'er the city lights

April 5th, Sunday, 12:25pm
Sitting outside Liverpool St station. The weather's gorgeous. Still have eight hours left till my flight. So I'm chilling in the sun just to kill some time. Can't be bothered going shopping with all those heavy stuff. Not sure when to go to the airport.
What a cool breeze...that's what I like when the sun's out, but I'm still not a fan of summer. I'm thinking of sending myself a postcard, but I can't be bothered.
Haven't met any odd people here in London. They all seem so much friendlier than the Germans. But then I haven't actually talked to many Londoners since I'm here. But I like this multicultural environment. People don't tend to stare at me like they do in Germany.
I want to have my hair cut, but I'm not paying 11,95 Pounds. In Germany I only pay 11€. As I said, I'm not happy anywhere. And this won't ever change. All I know is that I need changes in my life. Almost constantly. A mundane life ultimately means death. You wake up and do the exact same thing over and over for years. I couldn't do that. I'm wondering what I will miss when I leave London. The red mailboxes? The Lucozade energy drinks? Nah, it's the language.
But right this moment I have to say I will miss the spring sunshine in my face, as I'm going to the airport now.
Eight hours left till my flight. I'd better hurry.

4:06pm
Here I am at the airport. Been walking round so much and smoking just so I don't have to sit down. I'm tired, because I'm bored. Can't be arsed reading and can't be bothered listening to music either, but now I'm sitting here listening to "A Sunday" by Jimmy Eat World.
I have to check in manually, but the bloody machines say that I'm too early. For Christ's sakes, it feels like 7 in the evening. So many people with big luggages. I must be the only one with just one bag. Tempted to use the internet again, but 1 Pound for just 10min is a total rip off. If someone drops a Pound on the floor I will go on the internet again, but right now I'm way too stingy to spend the money.
Couples everywhere and I can't help staring. Maybe it's better to stare at the floor or out of the window.
The world's a cheating place and only 3 out of 10 are honest. I'm not the most honest one myself. I had this strange vision of me getting married twice, even though I swore to myself that I won't ever marry. Maybe it's not a good idea to challenge the future. Or to challenge myself. Basically I don't think that I'm going to change at all and that I'm going to change my opinion on certain things. But you can't be more wrong in fact.
Why bother anyway?
Michael J. Fox says that happiness is a decision, but I think it's more an illusion just like anything else. Nothing lasts forever and therefore everything can be forgotten. There's no such thing as memory. What you remember is not always accurate. So if you tell a story of the past there will always be some kind of error, which is why I don't believe history books.
This airport's an illusion, as in hundred or two hundred years this place might be vacant. Nobody will remember it. Being forgotten is something that everyone has to deal with.
Time to check in.

6:35pm
I've checked in and everything. And now another hour or two to wait till it tells me which gate to go to. Killing time is hard. I have sore shoulders and I can't stop eating out of boredom. Too shy to go to Frankie & Benny's to have a proper meal. There are two things that I haven't done on my own, which are going to a restaurant and going to the cinema. I think one day I will get that lonely and then I will do it. Hemingway didn't mind it and I'm sure Bukowski didn't either.
Oh show me the fucking gate...

7:41pm
On board now thank God. Workers outside are loading the plane with luggages. Just saw my pink bag and the dude gave it a funny look. Close to home now. I feel exhausted.

10:04pm
Very close now. The city lights are beautiful. I don't think I ever flew during night time. Back home. Good night.

At a hotel lobby in London

It's evening and I'm going to have a night in. Two days of walking round London without a proper plan, except getting a dvd and tea bags. Of course I bought presents as well, but overall I didn't spend as much money as I thought I would. That's it as a holiday. Now I have to save and earn and then pay my dad the money back. It's going to be hard to save, as NIN are playing in Berlin and there's no way of me missing it. I will regret it if I don't go. It's supposed to be their last tour for the next...five or six years? I could do with some friends around right now. Either that or what Jack Kerouac did. Being alone is a good way of calming down. I wonder whether I will be able to live in London. Blow your nose after a day in Central London and you'll see how black it all is.
I was hoping Terminator Salvation was already running in the English cinemas. I'd have gone tonight I think. English TV can't stop showing Friends just like the Germans can't stop showing The Simpsons. All so boring.
It's so uncomfy sleeping in a double bed. It's hard to make it all your own. Besides, I find 4 pillows are totally ridiculous.
I still find it hard to fall asleep. It might be because I'm in a bed that is not my own.
There's nothing in my brain at the moment. I'm all empty as I can get. Just looking forward to next weekend. I'm just sick of what I'm doing. Guess I'm not happy anywhere. Way too shy to go to a restaurant or pub on my own. I should've bought those instant noodles.

Aspiring for what Jack Kerouac did

Now I wish I hadn't stopped the tablets. I feel all wound up and I'm close to yell at my mother again. Bad dreams of ex and trouble at work. And I don't know how to deal with it right now. It has all come back at once after taking a long holiday. Why not yell at me and tell me this is life? Do it for fuck's sake! There is so much more to it that you don't know about. Evil faces in my mind and I don't know how to put them away. I guess I haven't quite faced them yet, so they keep re-appearing in my mind. I can't help repeating myself over and over. And I can't help scratching my face like a total maniac. I'm beginning to think that everything I do is a mistake and that I take too many risks. I'm so sick of people, especially those with extra wishes, those who think they can get more out of me just for their own advantage. Right now I feel like biting, ripping, hitting and scratching. Put your hand on me and you'll lose it.