Rather indecisive than joining the grey

Right now my head feels heavier than the body of an obese child. My head is the main reason why I feel heavy in general. It’s like being 56kg again, but thank God I’m nearing 51kg.

I’ve been making a lot of effort lately to approach certain people. I’m just not entirely clear about how I feel about it. But I’ve come up with the conclusion that it is not the closeness or nearness that I’m after. It’s the want to prove that I can be a good friend, that I’m trustworthy and reliable. I can listen and I’m courageous enough to say my opinion. Though, there just isn’t anything more than that what people should expect from me. As many of you may know I don’t like to talk, especially dislike discussions. Many times it depends. You can have a good 6-8 hours conversation with me and this will be your most memorable experience with me. It’s very unlikely that the same thing will ever happen again. It often depends on what path you decide to choose in the end.

There was a group of children (between 4 and 6 years of age) at the bus stop this afternoon. There were about 20 of them with 4 supervisors. The boys were extremely hyper, whereas most of the girls would sit down next to their female supervisor and have lunch. One little girl in pink and glasses approached me curiously, but was too shy to look at me in the eyes for too long. She asked what my name was. I told her, and then asked for hers. Next she wanted to know where I lived. But I don’t think she was listening to me, as she started to walk away. I don’t know why I talked to her. I wish I had simply ignored her. The supervisors didn’t even see that she was talking to strangers. What distinguishes me from those kids is that at that age I spoke no word. I was a ghost. But that girl spoke to me. She saw me. I wish I had paid her no attention.

My dog Jesse got 4 teeth pulled out. He didn’t take the anesthesia too well. So when he woke up he was constantly puking gooey, viscous blood; blood that he had been swallowing after the surgery. We had to take him to the vet at 1 in the morning. He had to be taken care of, so we left him at the vet overnight. When we came back home his step brother Mikey was wondering where he was. He kept running back towards the door to see whether Jesse was there. Something similar happened another time: Mikey came into my room, looked at me and then looked under my bed to see whether Jesse was hiding underneath. I suddenly felt so touched that I started to cry. After a while Mikey realized that Jesse wasn’t there and he went to sleep in Jesse’s bed. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey is the cleverer of the two and he can be very devious if he wants to, but last night he did miss Jesse.

I failed in helping yesterday. Well, not really. The truth is I didn’t make enough effort. It’s no big news that I save snails from the pathway, right? You already know that I have the tendency to just pick them up and put them back on the lawn. Well yesterday there was a baby snail with a severely damaged shell, which looked kind of halfway melted. Usually I would grab hold of the snail, thumb and forefinger holding the shell, but it was not possible with the baby snail, because the shell was too fragile. I went to get a leaf, so it could crawl onto it, but that stubborn bastard didn’t want to. I tried to force it to by rubbing the leaf under his face and still he would do nothing but hide. I was in a hurry so I gave up on him. And yes, now I feel guilty. I have pictures of karma in my head. It’s weird that in these cases I feel more drawn to animals than to humans.

Still I’ve been wondering too much about good and bad, right and wrong. I think Immanuel Kant is the only person who knew how to distinguish these oppositions from each other.

Raw hedgehog

It’s now 5:36am, been trying to sleep for about an hour. No chance. My mind has been talking way too much; don’t seem to be able to shut it up. I’ve been racking my brains over (what you may call) excuses, excuses to justify myself. But in fact they are no excuses. They are how I feel. How much I do hate it when people expect me to “explain” certain things to them, all because I have this obscure way of depicting and describing things and events. It’s just hard to follow me when I talk and I’m sure many people will agree. This is why I prefer to write. I don’t know whether I lack of eloquence or certain vocabulary, but I like having my sentences simple. They are usually full of information, but the structure is very peculiar.

My alarm clock is showing 6:09am. Yes, I do have my alarm clock set about forty minutes ahead. I don’t know why anymore. All I know right now is that according to the Chinese calendar I was born on June 9th. Again, 6 and 9. 69 is the symbol of the star sign Cancer. 6 symbolizes the sixth day of the week, where I was born, therefore I carry the sixth planet on my back. And 9 is my life path number. Searching for meaning is irritating. For some reason I just can’t help it. I cannot stop looking.

Now it’s bright outside and the moon has gone. The main road is getting busy again. My mind seems to be racing with the cars. Maybe I cannot sleep because I’m scared of wandering ghosts and therefore I keep my mind busy with other things? My stomach is rumbling now, as if it’s demanding breakfast. Raw sea gull made me puke. Reminds me of something actually…

I went for a walk the day before my birthday. I went to the playground and spent one hour there, sitting on the swing. Suddenly I got disturbed by a noise in the bushes. It carried on for minutes and gradually it began to scare me. But I investigated anyway. I approached the bushes and expected something like a bird. I saw a sharp muzzle and first mistook the hedgehog for a badger. The hedgehog looked at me, but didn’t make another move. I started talking to it like the way I talk to my dog. It still wouldn’t move, even when I came closer. After a bit of a conversation I left it alone again and left the playground.

Two days later I was on my way to the driving school for my driving test. When standing at the bus stop, I saw a dead hedgehog on the street. I failed the test after three minutes drive.

Now will you stop asking me what is wrong?

28 Ghosts IV

Every night I go to bed I get scared of ghosts. When lying in bed I’d always be facing the outside, so I can see if someone is standing right there in front of me. The last time I felt like that was when I was still in England after an eight hours conversation with Chris. We did talk about the dead and I think that struck me very badly. That night I slept with the desk lamp on and I had Nine Inch Nails on repeat. I was alone in the house as well. Whenever I had my eyes closed for a while, I would force myself to open them again, because I felt watched by a ghost. Maybe it would reveal itself to me, I thought, so I had to check every minute.
And last night I turned my television on and went to sleep. I had been asleep for half an hour when something (ended up being nothing) woke me up. I had my eyed wide open and saw a glittering red net all over me, as if I was caught in the web of a black widow. Immediately I turned the lights on and everything was gone. Someone had turned my television off as well. After having turned the lights off again, I went back to bed. That was when I felt a heavy tremble on my bed, as if something was underneath it. I jumped out of it again and switched the lights back on. Nothing. Then I realized that it was me who was trembling heavily. My whole body was vibrating and all my muscles were tensed up.
I never used to be scared of the dark, not until now.

All my current dreams are broken pieces, which are parts of something big.

I’ve also been dreaming about animals. I was walking in a large dirty puddle full of mini crocodiles and turtles. It was wrong of me to believe that the turtles weren’t dangerous. Hell they were. They were all ready to attack. The way back to the street was too long and I just couldn’t deal with that fear anymore, so I forced myself to wake up. Also I had a weird dream about my dog Mikey. He was able to speak. But instead of saying lovely things, we argued so badly until I was in tears. The moment I woke up I just had to go to him and cuddle him.

Yesterday was a horrible day. The heat also causes fierce moods in the house; usually starting off with my mother freaking out over nothing. Since it’s so easy to aggravate me, too, I just joined in and started screaming. However, there was a catalyst. My mother asked me whether to throw away the Bonsai plant (, which I gave to her and dad for their 25th anniversary). The plant has gone all dry and is close to dying. Something struck me when she said that and I started yelling that she shall do what the fuck she wants. Today I saw that the plant was still in the kitchen. I wish she hadn’t asked me for permission in first place. I always get such great presents for everyone else, except for my parents.

However I’m not moaning about the summer, I’m just illustrating what summer induces at my home.

Oh God, you have no idea what I’m longing for. Besides that there so many people I cannot be bothered with and I lack of courage to tell them. I just want to have the past done with. There are not many people from the past that are worth keeping. I can’t even think of more than five. Talked too much. Need to stop. Before anyone can read between the lines. Need to stop.

My shoulders ached. The ship is massive now

So many things taste nice and while you’re enjoying it, you know that this sweet taste is going to fade very soon. There’s no need to chew any slower just because you are scared. Now comes the moment where they expect you to chew on bloody raw meat. How about that: Raw shark, pork or lamb or human, anything but ordinary fish (since that can be Sushi). I think once you’re starving, you’d bite into anything. Excuse me I was thinking of The Tales Of The Black Freighter. The words of the protagonist remind me a lot of Hamlet’s obsession with revenge and Othello’s mistrust and fear, probably even darker and fiercer. I like ruthless people who are good at heart, those who know who they are and what their job is and never give a second chance.