Thoughts that walk on abstract art

Sometimes when I’m walking in the midst of the youngsters, I feel like my entire life has walked past me without giving me a single look. Then I realize how much I hate them because they get me all entangled in jealousy. No, at the end of the day it’s not them that I hate. But it’s pretty obvious who I do hate. The other day I was going through my memories; watching bits and pieces in a flashback. There are people from over ten years ago that I still think about. I wonder who they are now and where they are, but I wouldn’t want to meet them again. There is just not need to. Perhaps I’m saying this out of spite. Or perhaps I simply do not care anymore. If the past is nothing but undigested food, then it’s not worth agonizing over it. Throw up and have it done with. Sometimes I wish I was able to forget every single person that I have met. Most of them entwine around me so that I ultimately feel guilty for what I do or say to them. Hostility is there to get rid of certain people. I hate it when people expect too much from me. I know when it’s time to give. First I have to make sure that you deserve it.

I like someone, but I don’t have the heart to ask him out. It’s not a girl’s job to do that anyway. Whenever I like someone I ultimately have to imagine us being together. I need to get the impression of what the relationship would be like. In such cases, my imagination is a Schopenhauerian pessimist; a fucking prick that prevents me from undertaking the first step of asking someone out. But ok let’s be realistic. He would complicate my plans and my weekly schedule. I would neglect him, let him down or even abandon him when he needs me the most and the entire guilty conscience fiasco would take a new start! Well, I can’t say really…I have no idea what my next relationship would look like and what a girlfriend I would make this time. Or maybe I’m just too curious and too scared at the same time. This time I will hurt the man before he gets the chance to hurt me, - I keep hearing this in my head and I don’t like it. If I hurt him and he forgives me, then he’s the one. And if he hurts me, he’s out of the game, unless you can give me ten good reasons why he should still be allowed to hit the ball. Come on; don’t take everything I say so seriously. I am only honest for the moment. In fact you have no idea what I would really do. So, uhm, should I ask him out and simply risk everything?

You should never connect your favourite songs with certain people. And if you do, the songs are cursed; though, not always in a bad way. “Folsom Prison Blues” reminds me of Nick and “Boulevard of broken dreams” reminds me of Matt. “Mr Bright Side” reminds me of all the wonderful boys in the Student Union, such as Gary, Joe, Pete, Antony, etc. I can name myriad of songs and tell you whom they remind me of, but I’m not going to, because it’s depressing and I will automatically look for that song and play it right away just to face it and delve into my memory with that person in my head. Whenever I feel my heart is shallow, I like to remember all those men that I could never have or could have had. The ones that I could have had bother me the most – self explanatory. You understand that, I’m sure. There once was somebody who mistook my glass of blood with wine. The first swig didn’t suffice; he still thought it was wine. The moment the glass was empty he realized what he had done. I don’t want anything like that anymore, you know. The recovery process took way too long, but the blood transfusion was a success, thank God. But it had made me feel a lot older.

Apathy is a dangerous tool. Whenever you feel you need it, just make sure you take a single bite of it and not more. You can waste so much of your precious time if you eat the whole thing up. I realized that a fruit salad digests better…

I have this feeling that Modernism has taken a new start, since it seems to be the new era of broken dreams again. Everyone is broke. Everyone is so indecisive and it’s so contagious as well. People seem to have an elaborate imagination of what they want to be, but they lack of motivation and belief. It’s sad to watch, because I realize that I’m on the same boat. However, I surely don’t lack of motivation and belief. I only lack of time and space; the only two things that will allow my creativity to reemerge.

I guess, I shouldn’t ask him out.

Talking to...whom?

I hate secrets; I hate it how they make people being so dishonest with me. There are a myriad of self pity around and I don’t know what the hell it is all about. And if I say “Talk to me”, they would bite their lower lip indicating “I don’t know if I can trust you.” Then do me a favour and get the fuck out of my face. It’s alright when people consider certain things as private. If you cannot talk about it with me honestly, then watch my hand wave. I think it is definitely a gender issue. SUCH an issue… and a waste of time. I’m starting to get annoyed about the fact that women consider me as a traitor. What the fuck did I do?! Sorry for being honest! I am more honest to you than you can ever be to yourself! I feel so claustrophobic in your narrow minds and you’re too fucking chicken to open up your heart, too chicken to admit your emotions to everyone. If you lie to yourself, I don’t care; just do NOT dare to lie to me!

Funny I’m not talking to anyone. I made this up in my head. Or I guess I was talking to a fictional female whose character I do not approve of; some ludicrous shit that only Jane Austen would come up with.

God there are so many things that I seem to be admitting and I don’t get anything back from anyone. Even if you listen carefully and say consoling words…you won’t ever share your feelings with me and I will always hate you for this, you hear. Then you wonder why I think it’s such a waste of time being with you.

No I’m not talking to anyone, dammit!

First I’m being stalked online and now I’m being stalked at work. What’s next? That arsehole has no idea that my forgiveness would save his soul, but he doesn’t care. Let’s assume I forgive him, he wouldn’t care, because he would only care about getting me back, by all means. He wouldn’t even care if I am happy already or not, because HE would want to be the only one to make me happy. This won’t ever happen. Have you ever encountered a person more selfish than that? If he has changed so much, then why doesn’t he make another girl happy? This would be a way for him to atone for what he did! But as if I care! If you have been selfish all your life, you will always be selfish. Nothing but your own needs and happiness count – this is the definition of selfishness. If you have changed, then you are not supposed to prove yourself to anyone, but yourself. You would start a new life and forget about the past. But there are people whose hearts are just way too dirty.

Talking about the past…there was this elder couple who came into my work asking for a catalogue. I remembered them on the spot. Those were Kathrin’s parents. Kathrin was my first friend at primary school. I hate my past and I also hate talking about it, but the past is a part of me, so therefore I want to be honest with you (since you’re too chicken for that…). So Kathrin tried to make friends with me. I also wanted to make friends with her, but I didn’t know how, because I did not talk in school. So do you have to talk to be friends with each other? Anyway, Kathrin had tried twice or thrice and gave up eventually. When she was close to ignoring me, my primary teacher had attempted to encourage her to carry on. Also Kathrin’s parents had tried. They used to invite me over sometimes to do paintings or to have dinner. At the end of the day, it was useless. I just wouldn’t speak to them or Kathrin. I knew that Kathrin was fed up with me at some point and it made me feel that she never liked me in first place.
So after all these years I suddenly saw her parents again. They entered the shop three times within two weeks and I realized that they are regular customers. Well, so the first time, they asked for a catalogue. I knew they recognized me, but they didn’t say anything. The crippled mother had thrown a quick glance at my name tag and she knew it was me. The second time we bumped into each other, was when I was with my mother. I ignored them and pretended I didn’t know them. Then my mother realized that they looked familiar and they greeted each other briefly. The third time I met them was in the shop again. And I told myself to be nice just this one time and said “Hello.” That fucking old bitch said hello without even looking at me and her husband said nothing.
Is it so hard to understand that I don’t want to talk to people from the past?! People who remind you of how you used to be?! Besides, these people won’t ever forget you. And trust me; this is not a good thing. It certainly is no blessing, but a curse. I hate this place. It’s so full of the past. And there’s just no way to escape. Not yet.

All those girls gave up on me. We just never became friends. I don’t know what they wanted. I even tried to brag with those boy band posters on my wall and it didn’t work. They got off my way. I never ostracized them; they just gave up too soon. I couldn’t help being who I was.

Do you get me? The way I talk to you is the way you won’t ever talk to me. And I hate you for this. I will forever hate you for this.

No, I am not addressing to any particular person …for the 10000th time, I am not addressing to you, but I hate you for being like this.

Interview with Trevor Strnad from The Black Dahlia Murder, 10th Jan 2010

It's nice to have you guys back in Germany and touring Europe in general. I know the tour has only just begun, but how has it been so far? What are your expectations for this tour?

The first two days have already hinted what the rest of the tour is gonna be like and it’s just gonna be awesome! It’s really fun, as everybody has a positive outlook and everyone seems to see the myriads of having all these different kinds of bands together. Besides, it’s a festival thing, you know, all the bands are good, we all respect each other. The crowd’s been awesome, too, so far. And we’ll see how it unfolds.

What are your plans for 2010? Just touring?

Yeah, just the same old thing. We’re gonna support "Deflorate" and play at as many places as we can. It’s definitely good to be back here, since we’ve been here so many times. Generally it’s exciting for us to see what happens in the world outside the States. Overall, it’s a BUSY-BUSY-schedule for us, for 2010.

Is the European crowd any different compared to the American one?

Well I think it’s all the same really. You still try to get a reaction out of people. Maybe sometimes the people are a little bit more resistant to getting into the moshpit and we always try to win them over, haha. I know deep down at the heart, everybody feels the same and reacts the same. It’s pretty much a universal thing, but of course we’d like to get everyone involved.

With each album that you release, you seem to climb higher up the charts. How do you feel about that?


It’s cool, but that’s not my goal really. I just wanna have our fans who will stick with us. It’s amazing to see how things have grown within the band. This just gets us excited and makes us wanna push it and try harder and harder. Now talking about the new album, we felt a lot of pressure, because “Nocturnal” was definitely a landmark for us. And responding to that pressure was interesting, you know. It’s kinda cool showing up in the charts. I think it’s just a statement about the time…I mean metal is just big right now. You hear it everywhere nowadays. In the States is has gained a lot of popularity. So this is an exciting time for us and we’re happy to be part of it.

People used to associate your music with Metalcore and Deathcore. Do you think that your latest album "Deflorate" has finally put an end to that? Personally I think you sound more like a heavier version of At The Gates.

Yeah, there are so many tags of different genres of metal these days. Well, I think that this album and the last album have particularly done a lot as far as for setting the record straight. There were a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what the band would be like before people have heard it. In a way, though, being called Metalcore or Deathcore or Death Metal, bring everything pretty much in between and this has been a blessing, because we’ve been able to play with all different kinds of bands and fit in all different kinds of avenues. So let’s call it a blessing and curse!

You guys have been on tour with many great bands. Which has been the best so far and why?

Generally we always have a lot of fun on tour. A lot of bands out there I think are cool people. Some are assholes, of course, but for the most part, the younger bands are cool and very appreciative. But it’s hard to say (Pause.). Well, for me the most fun is playing with a band that I consider as legendary, like Necrophobic for instance. I never even thought that I’d get to see them play. And now here we are on tour with them and get to see them every day! There have been a bunch of bands like that and every time it blows my mind to interact with them, to play with them, to see them…We also played with Suffocation, Napalm Death, Cannibal Corpse a lot of different times. Now I get to coexist with all the bands I used to listen to when I was young. So that’s really cool.

The metalscene has become more popular than ever. What are your thoughts on that? Is the significance of Metal worn out?

I think Metal is always gonna have some significance. It appeals to a certain kind of person, you know. For me, when I was young I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I was kinda like an outcast and a nerd and I even tried to get into sports and stuff that I felt was typical; things that you are supposed to do when you’re a kid. When I found metal it just blew my mind and I told myself “This is what it’s all about!” So I think that’s what it is to all the people; to escape from reality and so on. People will always want that, you know. You need something in life to get you excited about. It’s hard to say why it got more popular right now, it seems more like it’s in cycles, I mean in the mid 90s death metal was at rising and doing really well…in the States in particular. And in Europe, it seems to me, there’s always a huge underground thing going. It’s again a global fixation and seems to go in cycles. I bet there will be a time when it will grow again in the youth culture. But it’s not that Death Metal will ever go away. But hopefully we’ll be able to still exist during that time. That’s the only thing we’re sorta worried about, as Metal is very popular right now. So what is gonna happen to us and all these bands? We just wanna have our fans and keep our fans. I mean look at Cannibal Corpse…, they have existed through a lot different periods, coming and going. That’s kinda our model for success. So we just gotta keep it up, man!

What do you think is the difference between American and Scandinavian Metal? Where do you think the origin is based?

I don’t know. That’s so convoluted. The Americans have been influenced by so much Scandinavian music and kinda re-appropriated the styles and stuff like that. It’s similar to a melting pot over there in the States. As far as the Scandinavian stuff that we’re influenced by, I think a lot of it also comes from Iron Maiden and along with all the other melodic bands like In Flames, At The Gates, Carcass, etc. Other than that, it can all be traced back to Maiden. And that’s British. It’s debatable, but in a way we all come from the same place, you know.

Are there any modern Metal bands that you don't consider as Metal?

People have their own definition of what Metal is to them, you know. Seems like a good opportunity to slander a band I don’t like, haha, but uh, nah, nothing comes to my head at the moment. It’s just not coming to me right at the second.

Your music deals a lot with decay and atheism. Is it important to you that people understand the themes behind your music the way you do?

Yes and no. But when a song has an emotional wake to me or if I’m expressing my personal viewpoint about humanity or something like in Necropolis for instance…people can understand that song. There are a lot of fantasy-based lyrics, too, but at the end of the day I just wanna entertain people and hopefully get them involved in the music. I really like to write, it’s a fun thing to me to be creative and I really look forward to writing lyrics to all the albums and stuff like that. I’m very appreciative if anybody opens the booklet and takes a look inside.

Lastly, what's your motto for this tour?

Just have fun and try to kick ass, cos all the other bands kick ass. So we need to keep up, hehe. Another motto is: Don’t drink too much. Just slow down a little bit! Although, it’s very hard, because you’re on the bus with a bunch of other bands! But it’s a huge relief you don’t have to drive, haha. And beer also keeps you warm.

Dreamlets

Nostalgia is the only way for me not to forget the way I used to be. I need my reminders in order to remain warm inside. Your heart does die when you get older. You realize this when you suddenly hate the things you used to love as a kid; things that used to make you overly happy and lively, such as playing in the snow with your sister or riding the bike in the backyard in the summer time. This is not you anymore. Now all of a sudden you hate the person that you have become. I guess this is just inevitable when you live the life of a human being. Sometimes only those reminders can make you feel slightly better about yourself. This is the main reason why I hate kids; it’s because I am jealous of them, angry of myself that I wasn’t like them and how I had tried to be like them. It took me a while to realize that it was not possible to change myself. I had other things to do, better things to do. Just like every human being you have an own labyrinthine territory. Some don’t even bother to look around. How can you? You build it yourself and you cannot be bothered to search around? I hate lazy people. This might be because I’m not as intelligent as other people. Intelligent people are too lazy to use their brains for inner conflicts, the most just don’t care. I’ve been investigating this place and I’m just too dumb to look at the map. I only know where the boundary is between your place and my place. And very often…you are just not welcome. I’m sorry.

I’ve been having many hypnic jerks lately. I know it’s a normal thing that happens to people when they fall asleep. The thing with me is that I always seem to notice it. Yes, it’s like falling right down to nowhere, but then you realize you’re actually in bed. I only just watched Castle In The Sky and the moment Sheeta fell from the airship I got the creeps. I wonder how I would feel above the clouds. Now I understand people who say to me “Your head is in the clouds!” Truth is that I do not daydream. I am just exhausted and cannot be bothered listening to you. I’m sorry again.

The Fireball

I smiled the other day. When Kerouac was in London on Baker Street, he literally went searching for Sherlock Holmes’ address…I think this is what happens if you lose your mind in fiction. Writers are such wishful escapists.
This is by far my favourite book of his. The way he talks about his mother made me cry. He and I feel the same about our mothers, except that he treated his better than I treat mine. I just don’t know how to show appreciation. Whenever I try, it ends up being an utter disappointment for me and the entire effort becomes worthless.

I try to avoid people, but due to work I seem to bump into endless people from the past who want to catch up. I’m not up for that. This little town is driving me crazy. Everyone in town centre seems to know where I work nowadays! The bottle/can collectors have started to greet me at the train station these days. I wish no one would know me by my face.

Last weekend somebody came into my work. I recognized him on the spot. I don’t think I’d ever forget that rough face and full lips (yuk!). It was the first guy I ever tongue-kissed. He must be about thirty three now. He was twenty four when we first kissed. Ah! Terrible memories! Thank God he didn’t buy anything, because otherwise I would’ve gone hiding in the staff room. From the other end of the shop he gave me one quick glance and I immediately knew: He remembers me. Shit.
After having served several other customers, I noticed that he had gone already. Exhale. The past is so evil. I am a very nostalgic person, but it doesn’t change the fact that the past is evil; no matter whether it was good or bad.

It was freaky last Tuesday, as I had a déjà-vu. At work a lady asked me for the time and I said “quarter to three.” The same thing happened to me the day after on Wednesday. A lady asked me the same thing at the exact same time. Quarter to three has become a spooky thing. It reminds me of the way my driving instructor wanted me to drive. “Keep your hands on the wheel at quarter to three. It seems to be the only way for you to remain on the street!”

Sometimes I feel like a total arsehole. (I know you are agreeing.) I see old friends in the shopping centre and I would not go up to them to say hi, even though I know they would have loved me to. Good thing is that I always see them first, instead of them seeing me. So there he was with someone who looked like his girlfriend or something. I definitely wouldn’t walk up to an old friend who’s walking with his girlfriend, especially if I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me. She would only end up scrutinizing me, pulling a forced smile thinking “Who the fuck is she?” This happened twice this week. I don't feel particularly welcome in their presence anymore. But it’s a little bit difficult to hide your face if you happen to serve old friends on the till. Old friends, past friends or acquaintances…whatever…they all make me think of the past and the way I used to be – I don’t like it. All they know is the old me.

I saw the yellow core in my body again. This time it was like a fireball; it hit me right in my mind just before I fell asleep. On the day after I heard about the asteroid Apophis, and I nearly shat my pants. I am scared of self-fulfilling prophesies. You seriously are not aware of these sometimes. Maybe I should quit reading the weekly horoscope. I don’t believe in it, but I find it amusing. Asteroids, on the other hand, are not amusing. Why am I getting paranoid about something which will happen in nineteen years?