6th good night kiss

I’m such a loser for posting old stories and pretend that they are brand new. I’m finding it hard to reconnect with my older writing personality. I’m in no writer’s block; it’s just that I’ve realized that my way of expressing myself in English used to be better than it is now. So whatever I write seems to lack of the quality that I once was used to. If it wasn’t work, I would be reading every single day. Three to four books a week like I was used to. I need to print out this Stephen King quote and pin it to the wall.

I have no money for Dublin, since Ryanair has canceled its cheap flights to Dublin for this summer. Now I’m looking for a hotel room in a quiet German city. Suggest something? I just need to get away for a while with my head and learn to sleep with lights off again. I was thinking of Lübeck, but I’m not sure, yet. I wonder what the beach is like in April.

When I first entered the waiting room at my doctor’s last week, I suffered from a little social anxiety. Also when waiting for a friend at the Hamburger train station. It’s something that happens often when I have to wait in the midst of a crowd. I don’t wear eye-catching clothes, but still they stare and I get nervous.

There’s something not right at the core of my…of my…you know what. Whenever a person infuriates me, I simply take a deep breath, count to five and exhale. Then I feel better and worse at the same time. This has been going on for months now and I’m beginning to understand the violence in my dreams. Recently I see a lot of warning signs in my dreams, but I can never remember what's written on them. They were written with blood, so uhm, I guess it’s nothing pleasant. Am I close to starting a massacre? Or close to breaking someone’s nose and knee caps? Don’t be ludicrous.
This might only happen if I come across this person again. I feel uncomfortable, because in German we say “Man trifft sich zweimal im Leben”, meaning you’ll meet the same person twice in your life. It hit me like Sisyphus’ rock! First time you meet you get to know each other. The second time you’ve learnt about his/her person and you’ll know better. And God, how much I know better. So many nights I wake up burning up and notice how little I’ve breathed; the body dehydrating.

I’m getting sick with my bosses telling me how beautifully calm I am with everything, as if I was a power Buddhist. Those are moments where I would love to slap them and say “By the way, this is me, in case you haven’t noticed.” But sometimes it’s better to let those people believe what they already believe. There’s no point in changing it. It’s not that they’ve done anything to you, have they?

I never asked the boy out by the way. I don’t think it would have been right anyway. I won’t regret it either.

You know what’s funny? When boyfriend finds out that girlfriend cheats on him, he’d beat up the other man. But if girlfriend finds out that boyfriend cheats on her, she’d beat up her boyfriend. The man doesn’t let anyone intrude into his territory and the woman feels that her territory isn’t good enough. It sounds like it’s always the man’s fault then. I’m so tired of this, even though I’d felt the same for almost four years. If you have lived all your life with low self esteem, you seriously don’t need a person that makes you feel even less worthy than you already feel. But this has absolutely nothing to do with the gender. There are men who were women in their past lives and women who were men. So there you go, we’re quite even.

I’m getting sick of my blog entries again. But to be honest, I’m too lazy and busy to answer your emails at the moment. I need to concentrate on my four life goals. The path is long and I feel old already, especially with this inflamed kidney and irritable bowel.

Kiss me goodnight. Haven’t kissed in a year, that’s so sad. 5th and still counting till it feels right. I only just noticed they had all been good night kisses. Though I’d never slept well after.

Good will hunt you

I’ve decided that when I read a foreign book, I will read it in English, too, instead of in German. I hate reading German so much lately (except for Martin Suter). German sentences are twice as long as necessary. It was a pain in the arse reading The Alchemist a few weeks ago. First, it sounded like such a wonderful story, but I almost fell asleep in the library. I’ve sort of lost patience with language that is too formal. Ian McEwan is an exception and all the writers from the early 19th hundred. Unfortunately reading is no fun after work, because after work reading has the effect of a sleeping pill. It helps you to calm down and once you’re calm, you just want to rest your eyes and mind. That’s terrible. There’s so much to do!

Besides I’ve changed my mind sort of. I didn’t like The Alchemist that much. I’d rather have Coelho tell me something that I didn’t know already. And honestly, I didn’t really buy much of his point of view. It’s similar to all those books about the search for luck. It’s always about luck. I picked up a book by Dalai Lama – “We aspire for luck…” I simply don’t buy that anymore. All of them seem to be talking about positive thinking – come on, people! The good sides of you aren’t all of you. If you want your good sides to emerge you first need to awaken the worst in you (try love or hate or both). Your life is about getting to know yourself. And of course you need “people” to poke at you. Then, all you have to do is react. That’s life to me anyways. It’s not about being good. Nothing is good. Anything that can change isn’t good.

Stop making me sick with all this crap.

Knowing

This year’s February isn’t taking a good start at all. I didn’t even notice that January had already packed its bags and left. No kiss goodbye – nothing. Have you ever experienced anything as rude as that? Well, so far, February has robbed money out of my purse, given me no flowers on Valentine’s (as usual) and instead is has set the tiger on me. My Chinese horoscope says that I need to keep focused on my plans, because the tiger is an inconsiderate bastard. I’d noticed weeks ago already when the ox had simply pissed off. What a chicken.

Oh solitude where are you when I need you the most? Why do I have to talk so much? Sometimes I feel that all the customers can sense this stress within me; this impatience indicating that I want to escape, because I don’t give a shit about them.

I watched The Painted Veil the other day and it really does justify my point of view. If a man hurts you, you leave him. If you hurt your man and he forgives you, then he is the one. I am in love, but I am not sure whether I’m just fooling around with myself. I know that person feels exactly the same as I do. There is only one thing that stands between us.

I am mentally on a journey. I always have been. And he’s still sailing the seven seas of my imagination.

Sunshine and a lot of salt.

I, I, I….

I have no time