GREENTONE

It feels like last week consisted of 8 days. Damn, that’s a Beatles song or at least close to being a Beatles song. Even though I’m uncontrollably tired right now, I need to put this down and have it done with. The week’s been terrible and it includes today as well (that’s what I meant with 8 days). All this reminds me of a never-ending routine, a reoccurring nightmare, which are feeding the demon of wrath and releasing the brake I thought I had control over. But I seem to be tearing up each string in my body whenever I try to grab hold of what’s left of my patience.
I don’t really want to go into detail in regard to my work life. There is nothing new, there’s nothing but routine. Of course it’s one of the main issues that are driving me mad, but it’s also people. A day off is a day I spend alone, concentrating on my things. A day meeting up with a friend is like going to work, but you are more relaxed. Now tell me what kind of an arsehole would say things like that? That’s just me, I guess.
I went to my friend’s wedding last Saturday. I didn’t intend to go, but she’s one of those friends I didn’t want to lie to. We met up weeks before her wedding, so that I could explain my difficulties to her. I have a wedding phobia, even though I’d never been to one in my entire life. I already knew that I wouldn’t like the atmosphere, the people, the music, the songs they sing in the church, etc. Later I realized that it wasn’t the church I was dreading (actually I like old churches, except they make me feel itchy sometimes), but the party afterwards. We arrived at a hotel and I knew nobody. I’m no good at making first approaches to people and of course my friend was busy socializing with her side of the family. However, she noticed me standing there on my own. Standing alone in the crowd is the most terrible thing ever and it had brought up bad, bad memories from over 15 years ago when I was still in school. So firstly I was standing there on my own, pretending I was observing the ducks in the lake. After noticing, she had sent some of her friends towards me, which was a good thing, because otherwise I would’ve been standing and sitting on my own for over 6 hours. Something like that happened to me before, numerous times, which is why I don’t go to parties, wedding parties, birthday parties, etc. And people just don’t fucking understand. I don’t drink! (But I would smoke pot.) At least she knows me and she knew that I wouldn’t have made the first step to approach people and I’m glad that she’d noticed me at all at her wedding. I still wish I had lied to her and said I didn’t have time. I had been dreading the wedding for months and nonetheless I agreed and went. This is the first wedding and the last of a friend’s wedding. I only went, because I never been and because I wanted to make the effort to overcome myself just that one time. Her argument was “How would you know what weddings are like, if you have never been to one?” That was when I gave in. (She always wins in arguments.) Maybe I do regret for having gone, but I don’t regret having seen her happy face, her tears when her husband made his speech about how much he loved her. But for some selfish reasons I could’ve done without all that. It didn’t interest me and by being present at the wedding and the after show party, I felt miles away. I couldn’t share that happiness, because it appeared so foreign. I hadn’t had one single conversation with my friend on that day; I just didn’t dare approaching her like a cockroach on her big day. We only smiled at each other, complimented on each other’s dresses and talked about how nice the food was.
I know why I didn’t (want to) catch the bridal flowers. That was because I was with no partner. The woman who caught them had to get on stage and dance with her partner alongside with bride and groom. How fucking ludicrous and embarrassing is that? Well, it didn’t look embarrassing when they did. I never knew what had happened to the connection between her and me; she’s still the same person but yet so distant because she’s so many steps ahead of me and I won’t ever allow myself to be where she is now. Why is not important.
All I admit is my selfish point of view, the dread of being in the midst of people that I don’t know, having to overcome my social anxiety disorder, and force myself towards small talk, and then ending up hating myself for it, because I feel like wasting time.
When I was leaving her party she hugged me goodbye and said “Looks like you have overcome your wedding phobia!”
I didn’t know what to say upon that, I didn’t want to elaborate by saying “It’s not a wedding phobia, but something else.” I didn’t want to talk about me, since I had been talking about the green evening dress that I was wearing just to annoy her. (She hates green.) It wasn’t about me and I simply just wanted to go home.

I didn’t sleep very well that night. I can’t remember why. It has been two days now. I just don’t remember ok. Sunday was bad, because I had two telephone calls to make. And if there’s one thing I hate most it’s talking on the phone; I can’t stress that enough. Each call is like a big task. The talks are so down to earth and repetitive, I can’t stand it anymore.
A friend of mine wrote in an email the other day saying “You speak so much sense, Paula!”
That is not true, I speak nothing at all. I write. So if you’d like to put it this way: I write much sense or at least I try.
I must be such an arsehole when placing friends to the work area. I’m meeting a friend this week on a day off, but it’s not a day off anymore to me. A day off is going to the library, locking myself up in my room and simply be alone, writing and reading about all my selfish self. If I told you, I’m doing this for somebody; you wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I won’t even bother to explain.

All I know is that I can’t take it anymore. I can’t control this impatience, anger and bitterness anymore. When trying to make people happy, I either don’t get anything in return or I realize I don’t want what they have to give, because it’s already familiar and therefore no use to me. How often has it occurred to me that I heartlessly give it all away again once received? It’s not easy to say things like “I don’t want you”, “I don’t want your kindness”, and “you can’t give me what interests me”. Now you might say I am unable to appreciate gifts. You have no idea that one of my greatest traits is sensing gratitude, I might even be more grateful than you, you’ll never know. I appreciate reliability, but nowadays people don’t appreciate it, but exploit it and that’s something I would never do, no matter how self-centered I can be. I can be cold-hearted but I would never use people for my own advantage, which, I guess, is why I never ask for help.

And there will be friends who will walk away angrily and some will smile at me understandingly, but I won’t care to explain.

Der Blick hinter dem Gesicht

Früher habe ich alles gemacht, und immer rechtzeitig. Alle Hausaufgaben, jeden Gefallen, jeden Brief beantwortet, alle Termine eingehalten, immer mein Wort gehalten, immer Bescheid gegeben, immer zurückgerufen, immer zurückgesimst und immer so getan als würde mich alles interessieren.
Jetzt… habe ich keine Lust mehr.

Außerdem wird Zuverlässigkeit heutzutage nicht geschätzt, sondern ausgenutzt. Interessiert mich aber nicht mehr.

Natürlich passiert das nicht immer, aber halt viel zu oft. Ich kriege auch keine Antwort, wenn ich mich für Dinge entschuldige, wo ich eigentlich keine Schuld habe, sondern nur Gewissensbisse. Wozu die Mühe?

Was ich noch übrig habe ist Dankbarkeit…wenn ihr noch wisst, was es ist.

Ob es einen Grund gibt, warum dies auf Deutsch geschrieben wird? Was weiß ich?! Was interessiert euch das bzw. mich?!

Vielleicht krieche ich eines Tages einfach so davon ohne, dass ihr es bemerkt. Wer weiß, vielleicht ist es sogar besser so. Wenn ich mich verabschieden wollte, müsste ich ja hunderte von Anrufen machen. Das kostet zu viel Mühe.

Wenn ich egoistisch bin, schön, wird auch langsam Zeit.

Ich habe zu tun.

If semi-narcissism was acknowledged

Thanks to this week in the library, writing up to 4 hours each day has re-improved my attention span. I’m very impressed, I am just impressed with the fact that I seem to be able to recognize this terrible, terrible bird outside my house. It tweets the same old song nearby my room in the morning and again the same song in the afternoon, but elsewhere in the neighborhood – what an attention seeking slag. And I always thought exotic birds were narcissists. Unbelievable.

I just finished reading Imperial Bedrooms and it’s the first book since probably 2007 that has brought back my fluency in English (yes I was sort of reading out loud). Or maybe Clay was speaking through me, I don’t know. All accents have gone, leaving me with a boring, dry Standard English. A couple of words, such as “hungry”, “hurry” or “curry” are still pronounced with a Northern British accent. I can’t help it.

I think I have been very rude to my friends. Those who take it seriously just don’t understand me and never will. I don’t mind them going actually, because I’m no good for them. I’m simply not someone who would give you a ring when feeling bored, but that’s because I NEVER feel bored and I can’t stand people who get uhh, bored! That says a lot about them and their lack of creativity. It’s pathetic and it BORES me. Who are you?! My ex or what?! I have more important things to do than watching YOU being BORED. Ok, there are days where you might feel apathetic and lack of motivation – then fucking go back to bed or even better: Go for a run!

Fuck, when will this take an end? Why, why do I have to repeat myself so often?
I am tired and I lack of motivation right now and do you know why? I’ve spent four hours in the library writing and three hours finishing Imperial Bedrooms which I started yesterday evening. Then I went for a 30 minute run and yes, I still feel active, just not in work mode.
And did I mention I’m writing a blog right now?
Certain people just don’t know and I have no clue how to explain it to them without making them feel ostracized or neglected. I’m starting to hate, hate, HATE this guilty conscience that I feel, not just towards my friends, but also towards myself. I can’t just say “Please, understand me, please understand me, but I’m not going to explain.”
My mobile will be off most of the time now and phone will remain unplugged for as long as I wish. How do you like them apples? I love you still, but I can also hate you if you don’t grant me free space. However, I know you’re not like that. I know you care, and I know you’d support me. Now that’s an understanding friend.
Oh God, sometimes I sound so patronizing and I don’t mean to! You don’t have to forgive me, just take it as it is or overlook.
Paula likes the truth, but lies a lot too.

SHUT UP! Why is everyone around me complaining so much! SHUT UP!

Mother Earth is murderous

I am not angry. Why being angry with someone who is only protecting one’s mother? It is very bad not being able to reflect your own views in arguments; views that are supposed to open the person’s eyes who you are arguing with. I think I just haven’t understood that people never change. If they know nothing but their own attitude and values, they won’t ever appreciate what you say to them. They will never realize that they have a choice in life; it’s alien to them, because they never have had choices in the past. I just don’t know who I still get on with anymore these days. I came back, transformed, to spend time with my family and didn’t realize that I had actually taken some steps backwards. But I’m still in the same place. Everything is the same, except for the people who have all transformed. They have all moved on and I am the only one who has decided to go backwards. Disillusioned and confused when one friend after the other walks out of my life, because they found out that their life is no one-way street. I am happy for them and am waiting until each of them has left completely without looking back. Despite of being happy for them, there is a selfish view behind all this. The problem is I don’t know how to communicate with them anymore. They have a shield which I call carelessness and I am unable to break through. And why is that? – We have been apart for too long. There is just no way to find the way back to one and another. If the connection is gone, it’s gone. I can’t believe that I’ve secretly been grieving over the loss of these people. At the end of the day it’s me who had left in the first place.

I’ve never been good at talking and I never will be. I proved it to myself yesterday. It doesn’t matter whether in Chinese, German or English. I hate talking.

Nothing I said in those videos is still valid. I wish I could take back everything I said. The truth is I was bored and I wanted to provoke you a little, but ultimately I am not capable of giving you the attention you really need. I used to complain about people never coming to me with their problems and now I know why. Everyone has noticed this shield before I ever did. I remember building it with spite and bad blood, and then I totally forgot. I created this self division without noticing that I’ve been feeding this shield with pretense and self denial.

Mother Earth is murderous. She never had a shield before.

How can I be a good writer if I can’t even empathize with my characters anymore?

Charisma and apple pie

I’m so close to tell everyone. It would just take a couple of seconds and I would just stand here on my own, regretting those words, although I meant them, except for little particles in my body which DID not mean them. The guilt, the apathy and the irresponsibility are the result of wanting everyone content; everyone but me. I don’t want to say what I will regret, because I know they are all (well most of them) are good people and they only mean to be nice and caring. This is what confuses me so much, because I’m beginning to lose track of my own self and my actions. Regarding to some people, I just can’t wait till they leave to start a new life. They have become so unbearably repetitive and blind that I simply cannot deal with them anymore. Whenever I try to help and speak some sense, they wouldn’t listen. I may not listen to you sometimes, but I do take it personally if you don’t listen to ME, as I speak so little. That’s basically the only reason why people listen to me; it has always been like that. To certain people it’s a miracle to hear me speak over five hundred words in a row. This just doesn’t happen often. I might have already mentioned, but I’ve written more than I’ve ever spoken. To be honest with you, there’s nothing more beautiful than someone charismatic who gets me to talk for hours. We understand each other and get on with each other. Unfortunately this is frequently a one off thing; something like holiday love. Once you’re back to normal, the holiday love becomes so unreal and illusionary, especially if you keep in touch and watch how things fade to grey.
Cigarettes taste so terrible in the summer. And I did have a cigarette on the day where my kidney started to ache for the first time. It was yesterday morning to be exact. Before commencing my ten hour shift, I had a smoke. And in those ten hours I had probably only drunk 1 litre of water. As soon as I came home, I stepped on my treadmill with the intention of running for an hour. That was when the pain first occurred and I noticed that I was dehydrating. Funny some thought it might be a slipped disk. I might as well quit those occasional smokes. I will neither smoke during summer nor during day time anymore.
I feel like an old lady. I wake up 3-4 times during night and early morning to pee. But that’s because every time I wake up I feel dry and thirsty, so I drink a glass of water before I lie back down. It’s terrible, I can’t stand it anymore.
Tartan patterns, I see glowing tartan patterns in the middle of the night when dreaming about nothing. It feels like a spider building a beautiful web in my room, in order to trap me. As soon as I jump out of bed to switch the light on, all disappears. Have I been in the dark for so long? Am I much of an easy prey? Dear spider, I don’t value beauty that much. You need to allure me with charisma and apple pie.