This year's mind

This year's mind
Comatose
The self-delusive heart
Dying on a page
From overdose
Of love,
Hands washed
In others' wounds
Fingerpaints, red
To blacken the shiny night
Dripping on our flesh
Share the nature's bed

This year's mind
oblivious
The dirt under the nails
Mainly shedded skin
Sleep, says Morpheus
Dream now
Eyes sewn shut
Eyeballs choking on tears,
Figures of the subliminal
In your dusty vortex and
Twisted imagination
Create life that's unconditional

The act of dissonance

I have been thinking a lot about Aesop’s fox and the grapes lately. Isn’t it fascinating that this simple story, explains the most complicated type of psychology? My current cognitive dissonance has been robbing my sleep, stealing my appetite and is gradually pulling me towards negligence. The apple surely tastes good, but what is it that I’ve done to deserve this tasty apple, that it even wants to be eaten by me?

On the other hand, isn’t it this dissonance which ultimately makes us feel alive and encourages us to find solutions and create new ideas? Is it a way to teach us that, no matter what, we won’t ever get what we want that easily?

Four question marks within 110 words. Tell me if this is good or bad.

I can smell burn.

Dissonance comes with spikes which cause dizziness and head ache. Dissonance always comes with a declaration of war. In my case, it’s a war between courage and cowardice.

Today is truce. The battle is nowhere close to a resolution. The combination of all those different musical notes in my head still sounds terrible together. I’m not sure if I’m in the mood to fix this tonight. Cowardice goes to war! How ironic...

It’s always easy to blame others who have added a dissonant tone to your life. Ever thought that it might be your fault for letting them?

I know, sometimes a dissonant tone is irresistible.

Lynch caressing my crimson velvet

So many cars are coming from wrong directions. Is my inattentiveness, when crossing roads, being accompanied by luck? No. - Instinct. Instinct and thoughtlessness. My weak ears, but strong inner eye. Still, what a thoughtless thing to do.

I felt exceptionally cold in bed last night although the temperatures have risen again the last couple do days. Even though I know the cause of this coldness, I’m glad that it has taken away my appetite. Eating is so barbaric when you are besotted, confused and full of shit. Though, singing to myself ‘Why bother, it’s gonna hurt me!’ is so wrong. Wrong and ten times more – wrong. Only just now I have gained more optimism. Good thing about how I’m feeling at the moment is that I don’t dig the sight of sweets. I haven’t felt like that since that selfish Danish two years ago.

How to stop a chemical reaction? How to stop myself from getting attached to auras and the mystery that effervesces from their words and hand gestures? I think I know what I fear. I also think that I overestimated myself with my confidence and self determination.

Maybe people don’t change, but the older you get, the more scared and more critical you become, and you are still the same person. Your perception changes, your confidence plays nasty games with you.

It’s time to share the opening of my novel again with the next tutor. I prefer it this way, having your work checked by one person first and then you move on to the next. What happened yesterday was too much for my head. I didn’t manage to take anything in due to the speed of spoken words or let’s put it this way: I took way too much in that I sort of had to dump it all straight after. This is not how my head works. I am open minded, but not thaaat open-minded, especially when not being given time to take things in smoothly.

Overall it’s people’s tendency to overanalyze. All these left-brainers… all looking for logic and reason. Sometimes you are not supposed to control a story, especially when it’s breathing.

Thanks to music and the inner P. dancing sexily, I have managed to re-gain my indifference and optimism. This is how fast I get over things nowadays? Well, all I need is a Pall Mall cigarette – menthol, please. It’s been a while.

If I was somewhere in the gutters I would abandon this nervousness and then make him dance with me to Lou Reed underneath the disco ball.

And let it happen…’forever till the end of time’…

Losing weight, losing great

I thought this was a good place. There are so many people; so many busy people. All I wanted was to get lost among them, as I thought that would be a good way to rediscover myself, except that it doesn’t work like that. Or maybe I have rediscovered myself but I hate the way it works!

I don’t understand people who continually say that they are bored, especially those who have no damn clue what boredom really is.

I never have sugar in my tea and recently I don’t have sugar in my coffee either. I can’t help wondering that this is the reason why, in my dreams, people start to shoot each other down. Everyone owns a rifle and you’re just not safe anymore. I guess this is more a reflection of what I think of this place.

I’m getting more and more and more blackouts recently when feeling nervous and uncomfortable. I open my mouth and no single syllable comes out; no breath even. That’s when I usually feel like running away before anyone notices me turning red. It’s not embarrassment or shame, it’s more me being angry and wanting to turn over a table.

Does anyone remember what I said about myself two or three months ago? How I felt, how I wished things were, etc.? I don’t quite recall anything. Slap me in the face, and I will need several seconds to realize you did it and I’ll need a minute before I ask you why you did it; if I care enough. Even in a state like this I wonder what promises I made, whom I still own a favour or who I have a crush on and how high my chances are, although I’d rather just let myself fall.

This numbness is a step away from apathy. I don’t know what to do. Shake me once, I will not respond. Shake me twice, I will open my eyes. Shake me thrice and you will see.

I read ‘Ham on rye’ again; how he was holding his shit for so many hours till it had turned hard inside and he didn’t have to release it anymore. It’s similar to the way many people deal with their emotions. Maybe this is why I feel I’m heavy and need to lose weight.