Fear is a tool

Ever woke up one day, went out and realised how you suddenly fear those people around you? It's like a taste of a wretched death and it tastes disturbingly salty and totally burns that wound in your cheek. Or is it Germany in general? I feel less home day by day. I don't even want to go outside on my own, because I feel like some sort of an alien. I might have become a racist of my own race. I wouldn't feel like that in England, especially in London, where you meet a multicultural society. I seem to have issues with my own ethnicity, because I don't like being noticed; not by those I'm not keen on. And it's always those I'm not keen on. I feel it's some sort of paranoia that I have unconsciously developed. I'm not sure what the cause is of it? Me having changed physically that I don't recognise myself? That's one reason I guess. Not a good reason, though.

Not even my music was able to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings today. I wonder why. Normally a dose of HateSphere and Killwhitneydead would soothe my blood pressure, but today they couldn't even approach me.

Someone told me to face my demons. But I can't even find them. I haven't got the fucking concentration. I can't read, I can't listen and the worst: I haven't written a good short story since end of 2006.
What I do well is to run on my treadmill for 40min and whilst doing that, I watch TV.

I love it whenever I can avoid talking, especially on the fucking phone. When people call you out of boredom. Or people who have problems. I'm one of the worst helper you can ever have on the phone. If you want me to help you, I'll write you a long note, but don't make me talk. That's why I consider myself a bad friend. I wouldn't ever want to be a considered as the best, I'm just not the one. I never had a best friend and I've never been a best friend and it should always be that way.

Sometimes I wish I could stop freaking myself out. I already freak out when I look at myself in the mirror. Why do you think have I not been updating my stupid mug shots on myspace or facebook? Because my self-esteem has sunk so low? Whatever. Whatever you think it'll be right, I agree.

Been jobhunting on the internet. And guess what kind of people are primarily needed...yes, salesmen, business-, marketing- and management-based positions are waiting to be occupied.

I've been really down because of the online radio station wom.fm. Looks like we're losing it. The company I work for is falling apart, many have already quit their jobs and I'm close to it. But me and my colleague don't want to give up on wom.fm, but it's not looking good. I have no idea if my boss will be willing to hand it over to us. I don't want the contract between us and the Wom magazine to be canceled. It'd be more than just a pity. Well, the Wom mag is one of the worst you can ever read, seriously. but the majority reads it, because it's for free. Wom.fm writes 3 gig announcements for the mag monthly. I was pissed off when the chief editor asked me and my colleague to avoid hardcore/metal bands. For fuck's sake...we only get half a page in that fucking mag and are being told this fucking shit. So why can't we support some of the insider bands. Apparently Thrice and Serj Tankian are slightly too heavy. I beg your pardon, man! And Slipknot got taken out, because they were already doing news on them. As long as it's mainstream it doesn't matter! Whatever.
Wom is not worth it, not a bit, but it's our only connection to a popular magazine. So is this a trap or a trap?! You just don't know what to do. Well if you ever read the Wom mag, I'd appreciate it if you stop by at the Wom.fm page. Two minutes will do. You don't need more than 2min to read our stuff.

Who knows next month's issue might be our last. You'll never know.

Fear is usually a tool. When you fear the fear, the fear will come true. But...BUT I still have faith in wom.fm

Mudanity

I had a slight revelation yesterday, when a friend told me that my job didn't suit me. Not just that, it was not the right job. And she had said it in such a worrisome and honest way that I felt so touched. (Please note: this is without involving the editorial and copywriting work that I do enjoy.) What stresses me out is the job as the boss' babysitter, housewife and multi-tasking jobs in organisation. - They don't suit me. This basically means that I could never do any sort of secretary job. I'm not one of those women who can do multi-tasking. Unfortunately I won't ever be able to work as Pat Bateman's secretary. That's the only shame to it. People say I'm way too overqualified for this job, which I don't think so. A person who has studied English Lit isn't to be compared with someone who has done an apprenticeship as a salesman for instance. The salesman is better off, because he knows how to earn/get money. And that's all that matters.
What I did was: I studied what I am interested in, what I might be good at. I could never study or do something that's none of my interest, because I won't be able to pay attention. There would be no passion, life lust or creativity. I hate HATE working with some sort of system around me that involves manipulations, lying to people and anything else that's repetitive. So that's right - sales and marketing is not my type of work.
I deal with ideas and creativity. I need new things all the time. A job that's mundane is a life that's mundane. I can't have a mundane life, no matter how much money is gives.
But I feel guilty.
I have guilty conscience towards my parents. Whatever I'm going to earn in my life from now on won't ever make up the sum that I owe them.
And this makes me a loser. Sometimes I wish I was able to enter a profession that I'm not made for - a mundane profession.

Updates and Website

I'm kind of surprised that I've not been using this blog at all. It's probably because I'm signed up with so many that I've lost my overview.

I'd like to introduce my new website: www.terrible-lies.com

But to be honest with you, this blog is way better than my website. I prefer blogger's structure way more than mine. Hm.

I havent quite decided how to make this blog useful to me. I might as well copy and paste.

First I need to get my head straight, then we shall see!