Apathy and other realisations

You get on the train and sit in front of a couple that is holding hands and whispering sweet words. You try to look away, but they are everywhere. You see them in the windows and you see them when having your eyes closed.
No it's not jealousy.

You think of sweet nothings, but in fact they are important ideas that need to be passed on. You think of ways out, unconsciously, but you have hit the brakes way too soon. The ideas are a few more miles ahead.
No it's not giving up.

You take a walk to the playground and see happy faces on the climbing frame; smiling through their teeth. Parents chilling on the benches with a dog sleeping at their feet.
No it's not a loss.

You are home. Surrounded by four walls that aren't yours. Money in the pockets that are partly earned by yourself. Dancing the shit out in order to be rid of this feeling.
No it's not happiness.

I think it's about time for a new tattoo or time for beautifying my tattoo. The entire upper arm full with question marks. How about that! Yes, that's how I want it. I doubt that I'll have it done this year. 1. Parents are an issue. 2. No money. Weird that all over the sudden I'm into some sort of bodily harm or pain. A tattoo is usually a final chapter to me. Afterwards I'm a new person. Therefore, you can say I'd had 4 fresh new starts in England. But none of them had actually worked. I tended to walk backwards after each tattoo. Now it's about time to leave certain things behind, right? Probably that's been my problem all the way through.They are to blame for this apathetic attitude, this dismotivation and tiredness. I've been accusing my age for that, but maybe it has nothing to do with me being sort of "old".
It's about time to come out of myself, to reveal this full emptiness, this anger and utterly awkward disturbance that's been lurking inside for such a long time. Slightly mentally disturbed is what my doctor says. I did take it as an offense first of all, but then I've accepted it. When I come to think of my anxieties, I have to agree with him. It used to be bad as a child, then I'd found myself at the age of 15; I knew what I wanted and I knew who I was. And now I am reversing. My self confidence has sunk and my fear of people has come back. Maybe it depends on where I am. I see people and can tell immediately if they are worth talking to. You just have to look into their eyes and see if they are trying to stab you with them or not.
Been jobhunting today and that's what I am on about. You hand in your CV and look those people in the eye. Some are friendly and others are desinterested or try to tell you shit, so that you lose interest in applying for the job.
Anyways, a little bit of luck would help. A 400€ job is all I need right now.