today's egoism

The fucking myspace advert saying "Need an Asian wife" makes me feel really degraded for some reason. There might seriously be Asian women who want to get out from where they are, but still...making an advert for that is totally unnecessary and ridiculous on top of it.
I had a fairly good day where things worked out fine. I drove well and I was good on tills at work this time. I didn't even mind the snow today. But I can't help feeling sad still for whatsoever reason. Thinking about something that happened a while ago. Thinking about things that have not yet happened. And thinking about somebody. Yeah, they make me sad. And I'm still longing for a change and for some fun. I'm still extremely stressed with many things, which is why I need the change and the fun. I've not been a good friend either, but at the end of the day you might say: have you ever been a good friend? I'd answer it with no. I've never been and I don't think I ever will be. But I appreciate it so much for those who are there for me. I just can't stress this enough. I hate it when I let those ones down for people who don't even deserve my attention. But I tend to like those who don't give a toss about me and I don't know why. I don't think that I'll ever understand it. It's maybe a women thing.

Disgusting wet snow under the feet

My routine is so fucked up that I think getting up at 9am is EXTREMELY early. Or it might be the pills that I take, which tend to make me feel a little more tired than usual. I'm still a night person who goes to bed at about 2 or 3am. What I do so late at night? - I try to write a lot of shit. And I'm writing right now, too, of course. Coming back to the topic of not being stress resistant...I've got a new job in the supermarket where I'm on tills. Usually I'm a very hectic person who tend to do things very quickly, but I proved to myself that the job at a fast-food restaurant is nothing for me, which was why I quit that job after eight months. Working at the tills in a supermarket is not much different, and yes, I'm fucking slow. I just can't believe that I'm not fast enough for something. The queue goes through the entire shop and I just can't keep up with it. I just don't know what job is most suitable for me. Everyone says I need to chill, but I don't. I need to fucking work. I got fucking loads to get done for next year. And you tell me to chill?
Right now the only thing I look forward to each day is my one-hour jog. I listen to music whilst running, but still, it doesn't help me to "chill out", I need so much more than that. I still can't meditate. I need a teacher for life. Someone who can tell me what's right and wrong, because I've totally lost it. I don't know what's good and what's bad anymore. Sartre and Camus are dead and Mr Keating is a character from a movie, fuck! Why isn't there anyone?! I just don't think I can make it on my own anymore. I'm just a little scared because I feel like fucking things up well badly. And then everyone will see me scream. But that's not what I want. I feel like I'm turning into a total monster whose imagination is flawed and whose hands stink of fucking cigarettes. Lately I've been feeling rejected by the world due to the rejection letters from companies. You see I'm not that overqualified...only because I have have a fucking degree doesn't mean anything. People who've done an apprenticeship are even better off, because they get the chance to stick with their job after, but ex-students have to fucking look for a job. And I've been looking for about a year now. Basically I haven't been earning money and I have my parents to pay for my fucking food. What a loser. I want to see the day where I'll pay all the money back to them. The disgusting wet snow under my feet has made me come to realise what a wreck I actually am.