That biscuit only diverted her for a tiny moment. Other people would just step into their shoes and go outside. She thought a nice taste of something sweet would occupy her brain for a while. Maybe she had been lying to herself all this time without realizing it. Once you’ve got what you want, you are not convinced about your dreams and desires anymore. Though, she was different. Ever since that dream she had come to realize that she was ready for something which she had dreaded for so many years. Sex. Ellen was a type of girl who was aware of her mistakes and thoughtlessness; despite of all the unpleasant consequences she had experienced and caused by herself. If nothing happens in your life, you tend to breed something exciting, something evil no matter what the outcome is. You prepare yourself a strawberry surprise and jump straight in like a thirteen year old. Taking risks after demonstrating years of innocence and loveliness which are by no means genuine or authentic of any kind, but at least good enough to deceive people around you. But she had never jumped into a strawberry kiss; not with thirteen, not with fourteen. She only remembered having almost choked on pure absinthe at the age of 24. That biscuit’s aftertaste reminded her of a pink lady apple she had never bitten into before, but she had always imagined the taste.
There was a boy sitting on her bed that she hadn’t noticed before. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“What are you talking about? Have you got a blackout again or something?”
She noticed the song Hole to feed in the background. “I don’t know.”
“Come here.” He reached for her hand. Their legs were touching and she could feel his warm breath on her ear.
“Who are you?”
“Shush…” His kisses on her neck made her twitch upon which he embraced her tightly. If electricity and lust were the same, this is how it would feel, she thought, remembering that feeling again. Then unexpectedly, she pushed him violently down the pillow and sat on top of him.
“Just so you know buddy, you’re here cos I want you and not the other way round. You got it?!”
Before he had the chance to nod, her lips were already pressed hard against his. Something uncontrollable was steering her emotions so that her violent acting was impossible to stop. Her head was burning up and her heart racing; the biscuits’ aftertaste was still there, but reminded her of absinthe. She felt like taking a bite into the pink apple. He screamed.
Maybe it wasn’t sex she was dreading, but something else. That was because in her past, sex used to be easy. For her, it was important to make more effort than the man did. Due to that way of thinking she was convinced to have been a man herself in her previous life. In this lousy life she was punished by karma – there was no doubt. If you don’t notice yourself coming, there is no reason of having them in first place, she thought. There was nothing more embarrassing than having him to remind you that you had come and that you could stop already. Some men don’t care how you feel as long as they feel your come on their hands, mouth or dick. So…best you can do is make them feel good, forget about yourself during sex, girl.
She was close to forgetting what it felt like in general. She even dreaded her vibrator, ice spoons and tampons. What does it mean if a woman fears her own gender, not to mention her genitals? She didn’t understand why all the good men say that women are the stronger gender in the world. She also wondered why exactly those men were her best friends and not her lovers.
On that particular autumn evening she was thinking about her previous two lovers from the past. That was so long ago, it felt like it had never happened, as if she was still a virgin. Both had caused blood parties; makes you wonder how often you can be a virgin in your life?
In Germany they say “alle gute Dinge sind 3” – basically meaning, keep trying and the third time things will work out fine. For her that was a matter of luck, but she was dreading it anyway.
Ellen couldn’t remember what happened to that boy from the night before. He was gone when she woke up. What happened? The bed felt cold. She felt paralyzed. Sounds of the universe was still running in the background on repeat.
The truth is: There has never been a third. The strawberry kiss is only imaginary. I’m just staring at my shoes.
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