today's egoism

The fucking myspace advert saying "Need an Asian wife" makes me feel really degraded for some reason. There might seriously be Asian women who want to get out from where they are, but still...making an advert for that is totally unnecessary and ridiculous on top of it.
I had a fairly good day where things worked out fine. I drove well and I was good on tills at work this time. I didn't even mind the snow today. But I can't help feeling sad still for whatsoever reason. Thinking about something that happened a while ago. Thinking about things that have not yet happened. And thinking about somebody. Yeah, they make me sad. And I'm still longing for a change and for some fun. I'm still extremely stressed with many things, which is why I need the change and the fun. I've not been a good friend either, but at the end of the day you might say: have you ever been a good friend? I'd answer it with no. I've never been and I don't think I ever will be. But I appreciate it so much for those who are there for me. I just can't stress this enough. I hate it when I let those ones down for people who don't even deserve my attention. But I tend to like those who don't give a toss about me and I don't know why. I don't think that I'll ever understand it. It's maybe a women thing.

Disgusting wet snow under the feet

My routine is so fucked up that I think getting up at 9am is EXTREMELY early. Or it might be the pills that I take, which tend to make me feel a little more tired than usual. I'm still a night person who goes to bed at about 2 or 3am. What I do so late at night? - I try to write a lot of shit. And I'm writing right now, too, of course. Coming back to the topic of not being stress resistant...I've got a new job in the supermarket where I'm on tills. Usually I'm a very hectic person who tend to do things very quickly, but I proved to myself that the job at a fast-food restaurant is nothing for me, which was why I quit that job after eight months. Working at the tills in a supermarket is not much different, and yes, I'm fucking slow. I just can't believe that I'm not fast enough for something. The queue goes through the entire shop and I just can't keep up with it. I just don't know what job is most suitable for me. Everyone says I need to chill, but I don't. I need to fucking work. I got fucking loads to get done for next year. And you tell me to chill?
Right now the only thing I look forward to each day is my one-hour jog. I listen to music whilst running, but still, it doesn't help me to "chill out", I need so much more than that. I still can't meditate. I need a teacher for life. Someone who can tell me what's right and wrong, because I've totally lost it. I don't know what's good and what's bad anymore. Sartre and Camus are dead and Mr Keating is a character from a movie, fuck! Why isn't there anyone?! I just don't think I can make it on my own anymore. I'm just a little scared because I feel like fucking things up well badly. And then everyone will see me scream. But that's not what I want. I feel like I'm turning into a total monster whose imagination is flawed and whose hands stink of fucking cigarettes. Lately I've been feeling rejected by the world due to the rejection letters from companies. You see I'm not that overqualified...only because I have have a fucking degree doesn't mean anything. People who've done an apprenticeship are even better off, because they get the chance to stick with their job after, but ex-students have to fucking look for a job. And I've been looking for about a year now. Basically I haven't been earning money and I have my parents to pay for my fucking food. What a loser. I want to see the day where I'll pay all the money back to them. The disgusting wet snow under my feet has made me come to realise what a wreck I actually am.

Apathy and other realisations

You get on the train and sit in front of a couple that is holding hands and whispering sweet words. You try to look away, but they are everywhere. You see them in the windows and you see them when having your eyes closed.
No it's not jealousy.

You think of sweet nothings, but in fact they are important ideas that need to be passed on. You think of ways out, unconsciously, but you have hit the brakes way too soon. The ideas are a few more miles ahead.
No it's not giving up.

You take a walk to the playground and see happy faces on the climbing frame; smiling through their teeth. Parents chilling on the benches with a dog sleeping at their feet.
No it's not a loss.

You are home. Surrounded by four walls that aren't yours. Money in the pockets that are partly earned by yourself. Dancing the shit out in order to be rid of this feeling.
No it's not happiness.

I think it's about time for a new tattoo or time for beautifying my tattoo. The entire upper arm full with question marks. How about that! Yes, that's how I want it. I doubt that I'll have it done this year. 1. Parents are an issue. 2. No money. Weird that all over the sudden I'm into some sort of bodily harm or pain. A tattoo is usually a final chapter to me. Afterwards I'm a new person. Therefore, you can say I'd had 4 fresh new starts in England. But none of them had actually worked. I tended to walk backwards after each tattoo. Now it's about time to leave certain things behind, right? Probably that's been my problem all the way through.They are to blame for this apathetic attitude, this dismotivation and tiredness. I've been accusing my age for that, but maybe it has nothing to do with me being sort of "old".
It's about time to come out of myself, to reveal this full emptiness, this anger and utterly awkward disturbance that's been lurking inside for such a long time. Slightly mentally disturbed is what my doctor says. I did take it as an offense first of all, but then I've accepted it. When I come to think of my anxieties, I have to agree with him. It used to be bad as a child, then I'd found myself at the age of 15; I knew what I wanted and I knew who I was. And now I am reversing. My self confidence has sunk and my fear of people has come back. Maybe it depends on where I am. I see people and can tell immediately if they are worth talking to. You just have to look into their eyes and see if they are trying to stab you with them or not.
Been jobhunting today and that's what I am on about. You hand in your CV and look those people in the eye. Some are friendly and others are desinterested or try to tell you shit, so that you lose interest in applying for the job.
Anyways, a little bit of luck would help. A 400€ job is all I need right now.

Fear is a tool

Ever woke up one day, went out and realised how you suddenly fear those people around you? It's like a taste of a wretched death and it tastes disturbingly salty and totally burns that wound in your cheek. Or is it Germany in general? I feel less home day by day. I don't even want to go outside on my own, because I feel like some sort of an alien. I might have become a racist of my own race. I wouldn't feel like that in England, especially in London, where you meet a multicultural society. I seem to have issues with my own ethnicity, because I don't like being noticed; not by those I'm not keen on. And it's always those I'm not keen on. I feel it's some sort of paranoia that I have unconsciously developed. I'm not sure what the cause is of it? Me having changed physically that I don't recognise myself? That's one reason I guess. Not a good reason, though.

Not even my music was able to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings today. I wonder why. Normally a dose of HateSphere and Killwhitneydead would soothe my blood pressure, but today they couldn't even approach me.

Someone told me to face my demons. But I can't even find them. I haven't got the fucking concentration. I can't read, I can't listen and the worst: I haven't written a good short story since end of 2006.
What I do well is to run on my treadmill for 40min and whilst doing that, I watch TV.

I love it whenever I can avoid talking, especially on the fucking phone. When people call you out of boredom. Or people who have problems. I'm one of the worst helper you can ever have on the phone. If you want me to help you, I'll write you a long note, but don't make me talk. That's why I consider myself a bad friend. I wouldn't ever want to be a considered as the best, I'm just not the one. I never had a best friend and I've never been a best friend and it should always be that way.

Sometimes I wish I could stop freaking myself out. I already freak out when I look at myself in the mirror. Why do you think have I not been updating my stupid mug shots on myspace or facebook? Because my self-esteem has sunk so low? Whatever. Whatever you think it'll be right, I agree.

Been jobhunting on the internet. And guess what kind of people are primarily needed...yes, salesmen, business-, marketing- and management-based positions are waiting to be occupied.

I've been really down because of the online radio station wom.fm. Looks like we're losing it. The company I work for is falling apart, many have already quit their jobs and I'm close to it. But me and my colleague don't want to give up on wom.fm, but it's not looking good. I have no idea if my boss will be willing to hand it over to us. I don't want the contract between us and the Wom magazine to be canceled. It'd be more than just a pity. Well, the Wom mag is one of the worst you can ever read, seriously. but the majority reads it, because it's for free. Wom.fm writes 3 gig announcements for the mag monthly. I was pissed off when the chief editor asked me and my colleague to avoid hardcore/metal bands. For fuck's sake...we only get half a page in that fucking mag and are being told this fucking shit. So why can't we support some of the insider bands. Apparently Thrice and Serj Tankian are slightly too heavy. I beg your pardon, man! And Slipknot got taken out, because they were already doing news on them. As long as it's mainstream it doesn't matter! Whatever.
Wom is not worth it, not a bit, but it's our only connection to a popular magazine. So is this a trap or a trap?! You just don't know what to do. Well if you ever read the Wom mag, I'd appreciate it if you stop by at the Wom.fm page. Two minutes will do. You don't need more than 2min to read our stuff.

Who knows next month's issue might be our last. You'll never know.

Fear is usually a tool. When you fear the fear, the fear will come true. But...BUT I still have faith in wom.fm

Mudanity

I had a slight revelation yesterday, when a friend told me that my job didn't suit me. Not just that, it was not the right job. And she had said it in such a worrisome and honest way that I felt so touched. (Please note: this is without involving the editorial and copywriting work that I do enjoy.) What stresses me out is the job as the boss' babysitter, housewife and multi-tasking jobs in organisation. - They don't suit me. This basically means that I could never do any sort of secretary job. I'm not one of those women who can do multi-tasking. Unfortunately I won't ever be able to work as Pat Bateman's secretary. That's the only shame to it. People say I'm way too overqualified for this job, which I don't think so. A person who has studied English Lit isn't to be compared with someone who has done an apprenticeship as a salesman for instance. The salesman is better off, because he knows how to earn/get money. And that's all that matters.
What I did was: I studied what I am interested in, what I might be good at. I could never study or do something that's none of my interest, because I won't be able to pay attention. There would be no passion, life lust or creativity. I hate HATE working with some sort of system around me that involves manipulations, lying to people and anything else that's repetitive. So that's right - sales and marketing is not my type of work.
I deal with ideas and creativity. I need new things all the time. A job that's mundane is a life that's mundane. I can't have a mundane life, no matter how much money is gives.
But I feel guilty.
I have guilty conscience towards my parents. Whatever I'm going to earn in my life from now on won't ever make up the sum that I owe them.
And this makes me a loser. Sometimes I wish I was able to enter a profession that I'm not made for - a mundane profession.

Updates and Website

I'm kind of surprised that I've not been using this blog at all. It's probably because I'm signed up with so many that I've lost my overview.

I'd like to introduce my new website: www.terrible-lies.com

But to be honest with you, this blog is way better than my website. I prefer blogger's structure way more than mine. Hm.

I havent quite decided how to make this blog useful to me. I might as well copy and paste.

First I need to get my head straight, then we shall see!